You Might Be A Minnesotan If...

Minnesotans on Weather
Official Minnesota temperature conversion chart
Growing up Minnesotan
Living Minnesotan
Shopping Minnesotan
Talking Minnesotan
Driving Minnesotan
Sightseeing in Minnesota
Minnesotans on Fishing
Minnesotans on Fashion
Minnesota Men
Minnesotans on Eating

OLE & LENA stories
Norwegians vs. Irishmen for job
 Ole goes in for his yearly physical

Eino & Toivo

 


Minnesotans on Weather

  1. You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast
  2. You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation
  3. You are excited the first time it snows, and then slap yourself because you know by April you'll be insanely sick of it
  4. You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned during the same week.
  5. You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.
  6. Your idea of seasons are fall, winter, spring, and the 4th of July.
  7. Making snow angels is still a fun winter activity.
  8. You define swimming season as the last two weeks in July.
  9. You know that the last big snowstorm in spring always happens during the men's basketball tournaments.
  10. The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
  11. You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.
  12. You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
  13. You consider a six inch snowfall a blessing for "the cities" because it provides instant urban renewal.
  14. You're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation.

Official Minnesota temperature conversion chart

60 above - New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
50 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
40 above - Italian and English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Mille Lacs water gets thicker.
20 above - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets too cold.
Zero - People in Miami start to expire. Minnesotans lick the flagpole.
20 below - Iowans fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Minnesota Girl Scouts are selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "winter survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helens freezes. People in Minnesota rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life no longer survives in dairy products. Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below - All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale). People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold nuff for ya?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.

Growing up Minnesotan

  1. Every January from age 2 to 13, you let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post.
  2. You've had at least 5 snow or "cold" days off from school throughout your childhood school days.
  3. You remember going Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow.
  4. Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
  5. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
  6. At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
  7. A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
  8. You think that Deer Season is an official school holiday.
  9. Your dad always listens to KDAL in the car.
  10. Your Dad's sun tan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
  11. You remember the thrill of going to the top of the Foshay Tower (or IDS).
  12. You played Duck duck, gray duck when you were little.
  13. You know what and where Dinkytown is.
  14. You've seen Rocky Horror Picture Show in Uptown.
  15. You went to a casino shortly after your 18th birthday.
  16. Perkins was the only hangout option in high school.
  17. 75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota, Duluth (and the rest probably went to community college).
  18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  19. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
  20. "Vacation" means going up north past Brainerd for the weekend.


Living Minnesotan

  1. You thank God every morning for not making you an Iowan.
  2. You think the state motto is Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes".
  3. .... You don't think it strange for the state to pay a bounty for killing the state mascot - the gopher.
  4. You know the real state bird is really the mosquito.
  5. You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes.(Err, and if you can't, you can learn some here. Ole and Lena Jokes)
  6. You know people named Ole and Lena.
  7. You beam with pride when some King or Hollywood super star comes to the Mayo Clinic.
  8. You stopped going to the State Fair between ages 15 and 30, but still miss Machinery Hill.
  9. The first time you saw "Grumpy Old Men" you thought it was a documentary about your uncle.
  10. You know what lutefisk and lefse are.
  11. You think that Lutherans and Catholics are the two major religions of the world.
  12. Fireworks still amaze you. You couldn't wait to see "Mighty Ducks (1, 2, and 3) because WOW! It was filmed in Minnesota!. ...and then you found about 100 discrepancies throughout each of the movies.
  13. Everyone you know has a cabin.
  14. Even though you may hate Minnesota sometimes, you don't feel at home anywhere else.
  15. You don't understand why everyone thinks Garrison Keillor is so funny.
  16. You KNOW there is no such place as Lake Wobegone, but you have drunk St. Wendell's beer.
  17. A brat is something you eat.
  18. Down South to you means Iowa.
  19. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
  20. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
  21. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

Shopping Minnesotan

  1. You know what "The Dales" are...can you list them all?
  2. You say that the Megamall is just for tourists, yet go at least once a month.
  3. You've been to the MegaMall (Mall of America) five thousand times and still haven't been in every store (then again, who wants to go to the "Magnet Store" anyway?).
  4. You're a loyal Target shopper.
  5. You know Dayton's kicks Mervyn's ass any day.
  6. The Dales - Southdale, Ridgedale (in Minnetonka), Brookdale (in BrooklynCenter) and Rosedale (in Roseville), coming Riverdale (in CoonRapids.).
  7. You know where to get beer on Sundays....Wisconsin.
  8. You know where to get real fireworks...North Dakota.
  9. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
  10. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
  11. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy"

Talking Minnesotan

  1. People always make fun of your "accent" (what accent???).
  2. You call highways "freeways".
  3. You drink POP and are proud of it.
  4. You know people who pronounce Duluth, "Doo-loot".
  5. You know what "cow tipping" is Even if you don't talk like the people in "Fargo," you know at least one person who does.
  6. You think that UFF DA is a standard English phrase.
  7. Mayo is NOT something that goes on a sandwich!
  8. You take all your vacations in-state and "up nort".
  9. You know how to say Mahtowa, Wayzata, Mahtomedi, and Shakopee.

Driving Minnesotan

  1. You have hit a deer with your car at some point in your life, (and still claim the deer hit you).
  2. You measure distance in minutes ("How far away is Miller Mall from here?" "About 40 minutes.")
  3. Snow tires come standard on all your vehicles. Just ain't worth taking them off for only two months.
  4. Driving on any bridge over the Mississippi scared you as a little kid (and maybe still does).
  5. 694, 494, I-94, 394...who cares, they all go to the same places anyway, don't they?
  6. You have no concept of public transportation.
  7. You can name the 4 seasons: fall, winter, spring, and road construction or to be more accurate...You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
  8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
  9. You know to stay off the roads if it's raining or snowing (all the idiots come out!).
  10. You know that everyone has a "city preference"--Minneapolis or St. Paul.
  11. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  12. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
  13. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
  14. You measure distance in hours.

Sightseeing in Minnesota

  1. You've seen the wonders of the Boundary Waters at some time in your life.
  2. You know where the Iron Range is.
  3. Your idea of a trip out east is to Wisconsin, and a trip out west is to North Dakota, and down south means Iowa.
  4. No matter where in Minnesota you go, there will always be a car dealership right around the corner
  5. You've been to Fort Snelling on a field trip at some point in your school days (oh the excitement).
  6. You have at least 1 relative that lives up north in God-Knows-Where-Town
  7. It feels like the Mississippi is everywhere you go.
  8. Lake Superior is the closest thing to an ocean we've got...and you know what, that's okay.
  9. You go "home" (to the farm) for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and harvest.

Minnesotans on Fishing

  1. When you talk about an "opener" you are not talking about cans.
  2. You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.
  3. You've been ice fishing at least once.
  4. You own at least one item that says, "I'd rather be fishing".
  5. You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by.
  6. Happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore."
  7. You believe that rushing out on the lakes with your pick-up in November is nature's way of upgrading the state's gene pool.
  8. Minnesotan Nice!
  9. Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.
  10. You have apologized to a telemarketer.
  11. You have ever had an entire telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

fishing jokes

Minnesotans on Fashion

  1. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
  2. Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap.
  3. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearings horts.
  4. You know how to polka.
  5. You have to go to Florida to get a tan.
  6. You love to shop Tar-zhay (Target) and have always wanted to be a Dairy Princess.
  7. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
  8. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

Minnesota Towns

  1. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
  2. Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."
  3. Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.
  4. Your town has an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable or ethnic food.
  5. Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
  6. Your directions to outsiders: Take a left at the creamery to the old bridge.(Never mind that the creamery is gone and the old bridge is the new bridge.)

Minnesota Men

  1. You need a second garage to store your "stuff."
  2. You've got a bass boat, a speed boat, a canoe, and a pontoon.
  3. You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive truck.
  4. You believe that REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.
  5. You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day's sawing.
  6. Everytime you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters...Hamm's, the beer refreshing. Hamm's, the beer refreshing."
  7. All your kids at school are above average.
  8. All your women are strong.
  9. Your radio dial is "locked" onto WKLK.
  10. You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your third birthday. (Your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right away. )
  11. You support the preservation of forests, farmland, and wetlands because that's where you hunt deer, pheasants and geese.
  12. Your dog dies, your spouse leaves you, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to your mind is, "It could be worse" It gets worse.
  13. Your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.

Minnesotans on Eating

  1. You think of SPAM as a quality, all-purpose meat product whether served with eggs for breakfast, in a sandwich at noontime, or in a hot-dish for supper.
  2. You go out for fish fry on every Friday
  3. Mushroom soup is a necessity in any kitchen and mostly commonly used in a hot dish.
  4. You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
  5. You think it's best to eat Jell-O after it has molded.
  6. You consider Lime Jell-O a highly versatile food: a breakfast dish when it is filled with fruit, a salad when it has shredded carrots and a dab of mayonnaise, and a dessert when topped with dreamwhip.
  7. You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.
  8. You have eaten at least one White Castle hamburger, one Nut Goodie, and Salted Nut Roll.
  9. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
  10. Your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March

OLE & LENA stories

  1. OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
    Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip
    they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand
    on Lena's knee.
    Giggling, Lena said,
    "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
    So Ole drove. to Duluth.
  2. OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
    When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse,
    he immediately threw in his watch and billfold.
    He explained,
    "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
  3. THAT'S HER!
    A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape
    case police line-up. As the victim entered the room,
    the Norwegian blurted,
    "Yep, dat's her!"

  4. SWIM COMPETITION
    A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and
    an English woman in the Breast Stroke division
    of an English Channel swim competition.
    The French woman came in first, the
    Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore
    completely exhausted. After being revived with
    blankets and coffee, she remarked,
    "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
    two girls used der arms."

  5. FAMOUS INVENTIONS
    The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years
    later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
  6. VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
    Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in
    Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I
    figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian.
    "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a
    good ting ve didn't catch any more."
  7. BAR RIDDLE
    A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While
    in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him
    in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have
    a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if you.
    can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?"
    "Ya, dat sounds purty good," said the Swede.
    The Indian said, "My father and mother had one
    child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister.
    Who was it?"
    The Swede scratched his head and finally said, "I
    give up. Who vas it?"
    "It was ME," chortled the Indian.
    So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux
    Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his
    cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can
    answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't,
    YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
    "Fair enough," said Sven.
    Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It
    vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?"
    "Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?"
    "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda."

  8. FINGERNAILS
    One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she
    had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his
    habit of biting his nails.
    "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"
    "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply.
    "I yust hid his false teeth."
  9. THE RELATIONS
    Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92
    and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the
    porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted
    Lena on her knee.
    "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex
    relations?" He asked.
    "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena.
    I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
  10. THE BIRTHDAY GIFT
    Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few
    weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
    "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
    "How come?" asked Lars.
    "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

  11. THE PRANK CALL
    The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole
    and Lena are in bed and Ole answers.
    "Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles
    from here" he says and hangs up.
    "Who vas dat?" asks Lena.
    "I donno, some damn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear.

Norwegians vs. Irishmen for job.

  There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven,the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"" Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin'out of the ground!"

Ole goes in for his yearly physical, with Lena tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

Ole, being hard of hearing, turns to Lena and asks, "What did he  say?"

Lena yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Eino & Toivo - what a team

Toivo and Eino decide to go ice fishing one day. Anyway, after a long day at the lake they come home exhausted and Irma (that's Toivo's wife) says "well, did you get any fish, eh?"

Toivo says "Heck no. It took us darn near all afternoon just to cut a hole big enough to put the boat in!"

Dialogue at a ticket window at a Minnesota railroad station:

Immigrant: "Too to Doloot" (Duluth)

Ticket officer: "Toodledoo to you, too!"

Toivo and Eino were building a sauna. Eino was on one side and Toivo was working on the other side. Toivo came around to Eino's side to check up on him.

Eino picked up a nail, looked at it, and then nailed it into the sauna. Then he picked up another nail, looked at it, and threw it away. Then Eino picked up another nail, looked at it, threw it away.

TOIVO: "Eino, why did you trow dos nails avay?"
EINO: "Dos nails were going the other way."
TOIVO: "You fool! dos nails are for the other side of the sauna."

Toivo and Eino were going hunting. Toivo says, "Eino, lets split up, if you get lost fire three shots into the air."

So Eino gets lost. He fires three shots in the air and says,"Gee I hope Toivo sees my arrows."

Toivo and Eino go hunting, and Eino shoots Toivo. He takes him into the hospital. Then after surgery, the doctor comes out mad and says," Eino, we could have saved him if you wouldnt have field dressed him first!"

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This page last updated: Tuesday, November 8, 2005